Blonde
Sixteen Steps to Build a Campfire
New generation
Imagine
Somewhere in Africa
Five Cannibals
At the Pearly Gates
Q's & A's
New Vocabulary Words
The Nine Types of Boyfriends
The NineTypes of Girlfriends
The Nine Types of Relationships
Cadillac DeVille
(AAO)
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge
of international capitals.
She proudly said, "Go ahead and quiz me. I know all of them!"
Her friend said, "O.K. then, what's the capital of France?"
The blonde replied, "Oh, that's so easy!
F."
(AAO)
1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave
one fragment into slivers.
2. Bandage left thumb.
3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments
4. Bandage left foot.
5. Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand)
6. Light Match
7. Light Match
8. Repeat "a Scout is cheerful" and light match.
9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base
of fire.
10. Apply burn ointment to nose.
11. When fire is burning, collect more wood.
12. Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for more
wood,
soak wood from can labeled "kerosene."
13. Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.
14. Relabel can to read "gasoline."
15. When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.
16. When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps.
(AAO)
A father came in the bedroom to find his
14-year-old daughter
smoking a cigarette. "My God! How long have you been
smoking?" screams the father.
"Since I lost my virginity," replies the girl.
"You lost your VIRGINITY!!! When the
hell did this happen?"
shrieks the father.
"I don't remember," says the girl.
"I was wasted."
En
hjortejegers dagbok
(Andre')
01.00 - Vekkerklokka ringer
02.00 - Jaktkameratene kommer. Står opp.
03.00 - Hiver alt, bortsett fra kjøkkenbenken, inn i bilen.
03.05 - Kjører mot skogen
03.15 - Kjører tilbake for å hente geværet.
03.30 - Kjører som en gærning for å rekke å komme
til skogen før daggry.
04.00 - Setter opp leir. Sverger på å huske teltet neste gang.
04.30 - Går inn i skogen.
06.05 - Ser åtte hjort.
06.06 - Sikter og klemmer på avtrekkeren.
06.07 - Geværet sier "KLIKK".
06.08 - Lader geværet mens hjortene springer inn i skogen.
08.00 - Går tilbake til leiren.
09.00 - Fremdeles på vei til leiren.
10.00 - Skjønner at dette ikke er veien tilbake til leiren.
12.00 - Fyrer av geværet for å få hjelp. Spiser ville
bær.
12.15 - Tom for kuler. Hjortene kommer tilbake.
12.20 - Rar følelse i magen.
12.30 - Skjønner at bærene var giftige.
12.45 - Blir reddet.
12.55 - Blir kjørt til sykehuset for pumping.
15.00 - Tilbake i leiren.
15.30 - Går for å drepe hjort.
16.00 - Tilbake i leiren for å hente ammunisjon.
16.01 - Lader geværet, går for å drepe hjort.
17.00 - Tømmer geværet mot irriterende ekorn.
18.00 - Tilbake i leiren. Ser hjort i leiren bak busk.
18.01 - Lader gevær
18.02 - Avfyrer gevær.
18.03 - Bilen truffet i grillen..
18.05 - Jaktkamerat kommer tilbake til leiren med hjort over skulderen.
18.06 - Undertrykker lysten til å drepe jaktkameraten.
18.07 - Ramler i bålet.
18.10 - Skifter klær. Hiver brente klær på bålet.
18.15 - Begeret fullt. Tar bilen og forlater jaktkamerat og hjort i skogen.
18.25 - Bilen koker (hull i radiator).
18.26 - Begynner å gå.
18.35 - Møter bjørn.
18.36 - Sikter på bjørn.
18.37 - Skyter. Løp eksploderer.
18.38 - Pisser i buksa.
18.39 - Klatrer i tre.
21.00 - Bjørn går. Klatrer ned. Bretter det %&*$#@ geværet
rundt treet.
24.00 - Hjemme.
Dag 2
Ser på fotballkamp. River jaktlisens i småbiter. Legger bitene
i
konvolutt som sendes skogvokter med klare instrukser om hvor bitene skal
puttes.
(AAO)
Imagine: an incredibly handsome guy.
A romantic supper in your favourite restaurant, candlelight.
He is cool, intelligent, rich, he kisses wonderfully, dances like a god,
all your friends are crazy about him and your parents adore him.
In one word: a man of your dreams.
He asks you to marry him, but there is one
condition.
No sex before marriage.
You - of course - agree to it.
You get the most beautiful ring wedding party is
An event of the century.
And then .....
(Click here)
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in- law.
One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone.
Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.
The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.
In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight:
the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and
a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife cried, "What are we going to
do?"
"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself
into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
Five
Cannibals
Five cannibals get appointed
as programmers in an IT company.
During the welcoming ceremony the boss says:
"You're all part of our team now.
You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for
something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees".
The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.
Four weeks later the boss returns and says:
"You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of
you. One of our cleaners has disappeared however.
Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner.
After the boss has left, the leader of the
cannibals says to the others:
"Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?"
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You
fool! For
four weeks we've been eating the Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers
so no-one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaner!"
Freddie Mercury, Versace and Lady Di arrive at the Pearly gates.
St Peter explains that only one can get through
and that they each have to put forward their case for entry.
Freddie says "I know I haven't led a perfect life and I've made some
mistakes along the way,but i've made some of the most beautiful music
in the world. I'll stand at the back of heaven, and serenade everybody
with my wondrous songs, making heaven a far happier place to be"
"Pretty good, Fred" said St Peter,
"what about you Gianni?"
Versace says, "I make the most beautiful clothes in the world.
I'll completely redesign the fashions up here, from the archangels to
the cherubs to the choirboys. As you well know Pete if you look good you
will feel good and that will make heaven a much happier place"
"Not bad" says St Peter. "What about you Di?" Diana doesn't say a word, instead she lifts up her skirt and pulls down her knickers, inserts a full bottle of evian water into her fanny lets the water shoot up inside her and then gush out all over the floor.
"Excellent, you're in" says St
Peter.
"Hold on a minute" says Freddie "She didn't even say anything"
"Bollocks, Fred you know the rules"
says St Peter,
"A royal flush beats a pair of Queens...."
Q: What's the difference between outlaws
and inlaws?
A: Outlaws are wanted.
A: The two in the ring!
Q: Two flies on a cows behind, which one
is on drugs?
A: The one sniffing the crack!
Q: But do you know what 6.9 is?
A: A good thing fucked up by a period!
Q: What do David Beckham and Ferrero Rocher
chocolates have in common?
A: They both come in a posh box!
Q: What do David Beckham and Des O'Connor have in common?
A: They're both f*cking lousy singers!
1) Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
2) Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.
3) Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4) Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
5) Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.
6) Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.
7) Foreploy (n.) Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex.
8) Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
9) Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.
From Matt Groening's very funny "Love Is Hell" - 1985 Pantheon Books.
Joe Sensitive - "After I wash
the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as:
Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy
Old Man Grumpus - "People are
stupid. The world can go to hell.
Let's stay home and watch TV."
Also known as:
Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass
Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever
it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle
Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm
thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n'
Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig
Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams
The Sneak - "Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life
Ace of Hearts - "After I wash
the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused
The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going
to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but--"
Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"
Mr. Right - "While the servants
wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht,
ok?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction
Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the
boxing match? Oh, darling, you shouldn't have!"
Also known as: Whattagal, Precious, one of the boys, My Main Squeeze,
Doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday
Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless
good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're
making me miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from
Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans
Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head.
My feet. My cramps. My cellulite."
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious
The Bosser -"Stand up straight.
Put on a different tie. Get a haircut.
Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain,
Yes Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I
switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed
Wild Woman out of Control - "I've
got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before.
S'fun."
Also known as: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime Charleena, Passed Out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs
Huffy - "I see nothing humorous
in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at."
Also known as: No Fun, Humorless Prig, Cold fish, Chilly Proposition,
Iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends
Woman from Mars - "I believe
this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship."
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud
Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly
content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend.
I think we must make love like crazed weasels now!"
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you
From Matt Groening's very funny "Love Is Hell" - 1985 Pantheon Books.
Woman + Wimpy
She: "How many times have I told you not to cringe?"
He: "312?"
Advantages: Symbiotic; plus maybe she'll get laryngitis and shut up.
Drawbacks: Permanent laryngitis unlikely.
Brute + Jumpy
He: "Me and her get along just fine."
She: "I think I'll have a little drink now."
Advantages: Won't last.
Drawbacks: Next relationship will be just the same.
Look-Gooders
He: "Ciao, darlin."
She: (kiss noise)
Advantages: These young professionals look great together.
Drawbacks: They couldn't care less about each other.
Sourballs vs. The World
He: "Can you believe this garbage on TV?"
She: "Goddamned re-runs."
Advantages: Smug cheerlessness.
Drawbacks: Cheerless smugness.
I'm With Stupid X 2
He: "Where's the beef?"
She: "Tee Hee Hee"
Advantages: They know oodles of jokes.
Drawbacks: They will tell them.
Mr. And Mrs. Boredom
He: "Honeybuns, do you ever wonder if maybe there's more to life
than the two of us just sitting here night after night?"
She: "Nope."
Advantages: Warm, comfy, snoozy.
Drawbacks: Insipid nicknames.
Jolly Jugular Jabbers
He: "I love that little idiot, ha ha. Heh heh."
She: "He's not as stupid as he looks, ho ho. Hee hee."
Advantages: Smiles galore.
Drawbacks: Cruel nicknames.
Cobra + Mongoose
He: "Grrrr"
She: "Grrrr"
Advantages: The thrill of victory.
Drawbacks: The agony of a toaster hurled at your face.
Love Bunnies
He: "I wuv you"
She: "I wuv you too"
Advantages: Bliss, intimacy, joy, satisfaction, fulfillment.
Drawbacks: Sickening, isn't it?
(AAO)
A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.
"What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant.
"Fill `er up with high test," replies the driver.
While the attendant is filling up the tank,
he's looking the car up and down.
"What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like
it before."
"Well," responds the driver, his
chest swelling up with pride, "this,
my boy is a 2001 Cadillac DeVille."
"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant.
"Well," says the driver, "it
has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun
roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk
with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering,
disk
brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best
of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."
"Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!"
"How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver.
"That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.
The driver pulls out his money clip and peels
off a $20 and a $10.
He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change.
Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees.
"What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant.
"That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver.
"Wow," says the attendant, "those
Cadillac people think of
everything!