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English Actual personal ads |
Norwegian
Todays Attachments 30 Graphic files 1 Program 1 Other |
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Excerpted from the book Bitter unsuccessful middle-aged loser wallowing in an unending sea of inert, drooping loneliness looking for 24-year-old needy leech-like hanger-on to abuse with dull stories, tired sex, and Herb Alpert albums. Me -- trying to sleep on the bus station bench, pleading with you to give me a cigarette; you -- choking on my odour, tripping over your purse trying to get away; at the last moment, our eyes meeting. Yours were blue. Can I have a dollar? Imp and angel. Disembodied head in jar, 24, seeks pixie goddess to fiddle with while Rome burns. You bring marshmallows. No. I make joke. You like laugh? I like comebacks and confessions. Send photo of someone else. I am spitting kitty. Ftt Fttttttt. I am angry bear. Grrrrr. I am large watermelon seed stuck in your nose. Zermmmmmmmmmm. I am small biting spider in your underwear. Yub yub yub. No mimes. Three-toed mango peeler searching for wicked lesbian infielder. Like screaming and marking territory with urine? Let's make banana enchiladas together in my bathtub. You bring the salsa. Mongoloid spastic underwear model with extra limb (you guess where?) in search of bottlenosed dolphin and extra prickly cactus juice. Soup is good food. Angry, simple-minded, balding, partially blind ex-circus flipper boy with a passion for covering lovers in sour cream and gravy seeks exotic, heavily tattooed piercing fanatic, preferably hairy for whippings and fashion consulting. No freaks. I like eating mayonnaise and peanut butter sandwiches in the rain, watching Barney Miller reruns, and licking strangers on the subway; you eat beets raw, have climbed Kilimanjaro, and sweat freely and often. Must wear size five shoes. Timber! Falling downward is the lumber of my love. You grind your axe of passion into my endangered headlands. Don't make me into a bureau. I want to be lots and lots of toothpicks. Small lumpy squid monkey seeks healthy woman with no identifying scars, any age. Must have all limbs. Recommend appreciation of high-pitched, screeching noises. Must like being bored and lonely. Must not touch the squids, EVER. Mmmm Pez! Rabid Wonder Woman fan looking for someone in satin tights, fighting for our rights and the old red, white, 'n blue. You look like Lynda Carter? Big plus. Know all words to theme song? Marry me. Remember that summer you spent with your parents in Hawaii and how mad you were that they made you go? And how you were hopelessly bored until you saw the most gorgeous man you'd ever encountered strolling down the beach looking at you, skilfully removing your skimpy bikini with his piercing eyes? And how you were wishing he would reappear, but he never did because you were 15 and he would have gone to jail? That was me, and you just turned 18.
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Lilla skjerf ANS Personalavdelingen Memorandum Til:?ALLE ANSATTE Subject: ARBEIDERVERN
I henhold til den nye avtalen om arbeidervern av 1.juli gjelder følgende regler: 1. Fra nå av skal arbeidet være en rekreasjon.Enhver anstrengelse er forbudt. Dersom noen arbeider så hardt at de svetter, medfører dette øyeblikkelig avskjedigelse. 2. Arbeidstiden fastsettes i overenstemmelse med personalets ønsker, men må ikke under noen omstendighet starte før 0900. Dersom en ansatt har sovet dårlig, har han/hun selv ansvaret for ikke å møte på jobb. 3. Den som har vært ansatt i mer enn 3 uker, blir hentet til ønsket tid om morgenen og blir brakt hjem om ettermiddagen på firmaets regning. 4. Enhver skal møte moteriktig kledd. Firmaet betaler alle utgifter i denne forbindelse. Utgifter til frisør og personlige hygieniske produkter omfattes av samme budsjett. 5. I arbeidstiden oppfordres det til allsang. Påbegynnes en sang er alle forpliktet å delta. Synge, plystre, tralle fremmer arbeidsgleden. 6. Lunsjpause fra 11:30 - 13:30. Obligatorisk Kaffepause fra 14:30 - 15:00, med innleid levende underholdning. TV installeres på alle arbeidsplasser slik at alle får med seg sportssendingene. 7. En ansatt som sovner i arbeidstiden, må under ingen omstendigheter vekkes. Avdelingsleder sørger for de nødvendige tiltak i denne anledning. 8.Ferien fastsettes etter ønske fra den ansatte. Dog er den ansatte forpliktet å ta minimum 8 ukers ferie. Ferien kan forlenges med inntil 6 uker, hvortil man har krav på ekstra lønn og feriepenger til dekning av utgifter. 9. Alle ansatte er forpliktet å rapportere til personalavdelingen eventuelle misforhold eller for lav lønn. Ledelsen skal under slike forhold sørge for at de nødvendige midler blir slilt til rådighet for å rette opp forholdene i.h.t til de ansattes ønsker. 10. Hver uke avsluttes på en restaurant etter de ansattes ønske, og alle utgifter 11. I samarbeid med fagforeningene er det enighet om at brudd på disse regler medfører skarp irettesettelse av den ansvarlige .
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One sunny Sunday afternoon, a boy and his father are strolling through the park, when the son spots 2 dogs sniffing at each others arses. The one dog then gets his leg over and begins to perform a ritual of courting right in front of the little boy. "Daddy, daddy. What are those 2 dogs doing?", asks the boy. The father thinks That very night, the boy wakes up in the night to hear strange noises coming from his parents room next door. He tip toes down the landing and listens closely to the door of his parents room to hear a strange grunting and groaning. His inquisitive nature getting the better of him, he opens the door and, unable to see anything, he flips the light switch. There on the bed he sees his dad bouncing upon his exposed mother. "Daddy, daddy. What are you doing to Mummy?". After a few seconds thought, the father tactfully replies, "Well son, we're trying to make a baby brother for you." The boy looks content with the answer for a second but then replies,
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Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it ?", calls one of the nuns. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice boobs," says the man, "where do you want the blinds?"
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Indian Joe Back in the 1800's, a guy that's been out looking for gold comes into a place that has a salon on one side of the street, and an Indian Trading Post on the other. He goes in the salon, gets a drink and asks the bartender "Where's the women?" The bartender responds "Sorry buddy, but there ain't a woman within 500 miles of this place." The guy asks "Well, what do the men around here do for sex?" The bartender says "We go across the street to Indian Joe." To which the guys says "Man, I don't go for that SHIT.... I don't go for that shit at all!!! Just give me another drink." After a few more drinks... and feeling more horney by the minute, the guy says to the bartender "Tell me about 'ole Joe.... is he any good?" The bartender says "Well, if you haven't had any sex for a while, it ain't too bad.... but it'll cost you $15 .... Five for me, five for Joe and five for Big Mack." The guy says "I might see the five for you for getting things set up. Of course, I can see the five for 'ole Joe.... but where does this guy Big Mack come in?" The bartender tells him "It like this, we have to pay Big Mack $5 to hold Joe.... Joe don't go for that shit either!" |
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A man his wife and 3 sons were barely getting by on there farm. The only reason they had not gone broke was due to their cow. One morning the man woke up and discovered the cow was dead. In despair he jumped out the window killing himself. The wife woke up hearing the crash and looked out the window. Seeing her dead husband she screamed and also jumped out the window. This woke up the oldest son. Seeing his parent dead he went to the river to drown his self. On his way down he meets a mermaid. The mermaid says I know that your parents are dead I can bring them back to life but you fuck me 6 times. The oldest son says ok being 30 years old and full of vigour but can only do it 5 times so he dies. The middle son wakes and sees his parents dead. Decides to drown him self in the river on his way down he meets a mermaid. The mermaid says I know your parents are dead and your oldest brother is dead I can bring them back to life but you have to fuck me 10 times. The middle son being 23 years old and full of spice says ok, he could only go 8 times so he died. The youngest son wakes see his parents dead brothers gone decides to kill him self in the river. On his way down he meets a mermaid. She says I know about your parents and your brothers I can bring them back to life but you have to fuck me 15 times being full of piss and vinegar the youngest son (17 years old) says 15? Why not 20? The mermaid says why not 25? no the youngest son says I might kill you like I killed the cow |
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Frank had died and, naturally, wound up in Hell. Frank went with the Devil down the hall where Jon was hung up by his feet and was being whipped with chains. Frank told the Devil he'd "pass" on that one. On down the hall to where Brian was hung up by his arms and was being whipped by a cat-o-nine-tails. Frank shook his head over this one, too. Finally, there was Joseph, strapped to the wall, naked as a jaybird. A very gorgeous woman was performing oral sex upon him. Frank said, "Yes, yes, this is where I want to start." The Devil said, "You sure? This lasts for a thousand years, you know." "Ok," said the Devil. He walked to the beautiful blonde,
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One day Mrs. Jones goes to her church to have a talk with the reverend. Later on Mr Jones falls a sleep again and the minister asks" Who is your redeemer?" Mr. Jones yells after being poked "God!!!!!!" After a few minutes Mrs Jones mistakes a nod .
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The "I Love You" virus that infects users of Microsoft's outlook has morphed.
- The "I'm looking for more of a commitment" virus - The "Let's just be friends" virus - The "Unsafe Sex" virus - Spreads unprotected files to every other hard disk on the net. - The "Safe Sex" virus - The "Sexual Harassment Lawsuit" virus More variations are being discovered every day, so make sure you update your virus protection.
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(Elisabeth) The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her 11 year old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?" "I'm in love," the boy replied. "With you!" he said. is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. "Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber."
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There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said:
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Aurther Davidson of the Harley Davison Motor Cycle Corp. dies and goes to heaven, at the gate an angel tell's Davidson, "Well, you've been a good guy and your motorcycle's have changed the world, as a reward you can hang out with anyone that you want to in heaven." 1. There's to much front end protrusions. "Hmmm" replies god. "Hold on." God goes to the computer and types in a few keystrokes and waits for the results... The computer prints out a slip of paper and god reads it... "
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(Elisabeth) The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor. "As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg. Address it and say, 'I'm a Sperm.' She will answer, 'I'm an Egg.' From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?" The sperm nodded affirmatively. Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he hears the siren. He wakes immediately and runs to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm swim behind him. He knows he has to arrive first.> When he nears the entrance to the cavern, he looks back and sees that he is far ahead of the other sperm. He is able to swim at a slower pace but does approach the red, sticky ball. When, at last, he reaches the red, sticky ball, he smiles and says, "Hi, I'm a sperm!"
The red sticky ball smiles and says, "Hi. I'm a tonsil."
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Arkansas : It's Trailer-rific!Florida: Half a million Cubans can't all be wrong. Illinois: Stop pronouncing the "S" or we're gonna kick your ass! Wisconsin: Badgers? We don't need no stinkin' badgers. Kentucky: Come for the Bluegrass -- Stay for the Incest! Rhode Island: Small? Yes, but we know what to do with it. Iowa: Future birthplace of Captain James T. Kirk. South Dakota: Hello? Can anyone hear me? Hey! Over here! Alabama: Like the Third World, but closer. South Carolina: Oh, yeah -- like "we're" going to be concerned about an NAACP tourism boycott. Michigan: It's not just cold. It's ass-biting cold. Florida: Hey, you kids, get off of my state! Virginia: Contrary to our name, some of our women are actually pretty slutty. Massachusetts: Now with 30 percent fewer Kennedy's! Indiana: Dan Quayle's favourite country.
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